In Praise of Dildos

“Honestly, why would anyone fuck a human dick now when companies make monster dicks to fuck instead?”—an excerpt from my Twitter drafts
“Honestly, why would anyone fuck a human dick now when companies make monster dicks to fuck instead?”—an excerpt from my Twitter drafts

I wrote that months ago during a post-orgasm high after trying out a brand-new dildo. I bought the toy from a store on Etsy, and as you might expect from the above tweet, it falls under the “monster dick” category of sex toys and I love it so much.

I’ve expressed this same sentiment on social media before. (In fact, that’s the reason the tweet is only in my drafts. Because the last time I sent out a “my dildo is better than your dick” tweet, I got a handful of random dick pics in my DMs attached to a message like “u like dick.” I’m not keen to repeat the experience.) And I think about it even more often than I consider posting about it.

Why? Mostly because I read a lot of romance and erotica, and insertable toys in a partnered sex scene are usually just part of foreplay. You’ve read it too, I’m sure: one character says the dildo “isn’t enough” and is relieved when the opposite character finally replaces it with their dick. Maybe the words “poor substitute” are used. Maybe it becomes part of the dirty talk—“It’s not as good as my cock, is it?” and so on. Today I actually read a story whose plot was basically this: a woman finally doesn’t need her sex toys anymore because she found a real man.

Every time I read a scene where a dick is portrayed as superior to a dildo, I have to pause a moment to think, In what fucking world?

Now, obviously, I’m biased. Most people—tragically, in my opinion—don’t have enough sex toys to fill one over-the-door organizer and one large plastic tub. Most people didn’t start building their considerable sex toy collection when they were fifteen or spend more than a decade learning their body with an obsessive, single-minded focus because their social anxiety made any other experimentation feel impossible.

I mean, in a choice between partnered sex and masturbation, I’ll choose masturbation nine times out of ten. Of course I prefer dildos.

But even if I ignore my own experiences and pretend I’m someone else, someone who hasn’t spent most of my life jerking off like I’m training for the Sex Toy Olympics, I still can’t fathom how anyone could objectively find a plain old dick more pleasurable than a dildo.

However you like to be stimulated, whatever your most sensitive erogenous zones are, there are toys specifically designed for that purpose. Many, many toys.

Whether you like your phallic objects thin, short, thick, long, realistic, unrealistic, vibrating, not vibrating, thrusting, not thrusting—there’s a dildo for you.

There are glass dildos, metal dildos, wooden dildos, plastic dildos, rubber dildos, hard silicone dildos, squishy silicone dildos, and so many more. There are dildos of all colors. There are dildos that sparkle.

I have a dildo that can make me come without a touch to my clit. I have multiple dildos that manipulate my G-spot so good I’d probably squirt eventually if I could hold out long enough. I have a dildo shaped like a corkscrew. I have several tentacle dildos and one shaped like a dragon’s tongue. I have dildos with knots so I can lose myself in the fantasy of being ravaged by a feral werewolf.

I am quite literally spoiled with choices of things to fuck myself with. Why would I settle for a dangly, ugly, sweaty human dick?

Answer: I would not. Bring on the silicone monster dicks, please and thank you.

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