After I wrote my last blog post—the one where I called myself the Horace Slughorn of sex toys—I was hit by a wonderful kernel of an idea. It was influenced, no doubt, by the release of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, by the fact that my partner’s and my wedding rings are Hogwarts House–themed (mine Slytherin, hers Ravenclaw), and by the fact that my love for those books is so strong it’s permanently inked on my skin in two places.
I wondered: If the characters of Harry Potter were sex toys, what would they be?
Of course I had to answer that question, using some of the toys from my collection.
Harry Potter: Original Magic Wand/Hitachi
One of Harry’s most defining qualities is his power. Not just his magical power—although he is the wizard who defeated Voldemort, after all—but his clout as well. He’s the Boy Who Lived, the Chosen One, Undesirable No. 1—he’s famous as fuck. He’s a household name in the Wizarding World, and everyone’s dying to get their hands on him in one way or another.
He’s also reckless, relying more on instinct than common sense. He’s the kind of guy who will steal a magic car when he misses his train, or throw an unfamiliar curse at a classmate. Like the Hitachi or the Original Magic Wand, there is no subtlety or chill in Harry Potter. He does what he does, and he does it all the way, and god help you if you stand in his way.
Hermione Granger: Mona 2
From the very beginning, Hermione is the brightest witch of her age. She has a mixture of natural intelligence and an unyielding drive to succeed. She gets consistently top marks in school, Snape calls her a know-it-all (and I mean, let’s be honest, when Snape insults you it’s basically a compliment, right?), and she saves Harry and Ron’s asses multiple times in every book. She’ll not only live up to the expectations you set for her: she’ll exceed every one of them.
Hermione’s also pretty levelheaded, especially in comparison to Harry. Whereas he has no chill, Hermione’s got lots of it—in certain circumstances, at least. She can keep her cool when the situation calls for it (lying convincingly to Umbridge and Bellatrix, anyone?), but she also has the skill and power to kick ass and get you where you need to be.
A lot like the Mona 2, basically, which—depending on how I use it—can either give me a subtle nudge toward my orgasm or aim a kick of sensation toward my G-spot that leaves my legs shaking afterward.
Ron Weasley: Stronic Eins (One)
When I was brainstorming for this post, the first words that popped into my head for Ron were “hotheaded” and “sidekick.” After considering more deeply, I realized the first is pretty accurate, but the second is a serious discourtesy to him. As the destruction of Slytherin’s locket shows, Ron’s biggest fear is only ever being second-best. He’s the second-youngest in a family of seven children, and he’s the best friend of the famous Boy Who Lived. He’s never in the spotlight.
So it’s easy to think of him as the sidekick—easy but wrong. When he stabs the Horcrux, he destroys the idea that he’s second-best: that he’s anything but a certified badass (he sacrificed himself as a chess piece, y’all) with a fierce loyalty toward his friends (“If you want to kill Harry, you’ll have to kill us too!”) and a delightful sense of humor (“We’re not going to be asking, ‘Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?’”).
(Ahem. Sorry. I have a lot of feelings.)
That’s a little like my experience with the Stronic Eins. It’s so damn effective when I pair it with a vibrator (like a Mona 2 against the clit, am I right?) that it might be tempting to think of it as a sidekick toy. But it actually stands quite nicely on its own if you give it half a chance.
Albus Dumbledore: Wahl
Similar to Harry, Dumbledore’s power is legendary. Famous for defeating Gellert Grindelwald, he is considered the most powerful wizard of his time and the only wizard Voldemort ever feared. For that alone, it’s pretty clear that only a seriously strong fucking vibrator would fit.
But Dumbledore uses his power a lot differently than Harry. He’s cunning, manipulative: Machiavellian, as J.K. Rowling herself says. He bides his time and plays the game by his own rules. Hell, he makes the game. In even his own murder, he’s the one in charge, pulling the strings behind the scenes.
So what’s a toy that’s strong but not wild, that’s complex, precise, and shrewd? The Wahl, of course. That motor is unforgivingly powerful, but the sort of knobby attachment head (my favorite) keeps the vibration focused in a way the Hitachi doesn’t.
Ginny Weasley: Pure Wand
Ginny’s a little harder to pin down because we spend about half the series not really seeing her. Even when she does appear as a sorta-regular character in the second book, she’s not exactly herself because we’re seeing her through the eyes of Harry, the boy she has a crush on. Around him, she’s shy and blushy. She knocks things over. She can barely speak around him. She needs to be saved by him.
It’s only around the fourth and fifth books, when Hermione advises her to relax and be herself around Harry, that we finally see who she really is—and she’s awesome. She’s confident, spirited, and independent. She kicks a boyfriend’s ass at Quidditch and then dumps him for being a “bad loser.” When one of her brothers accuses her of “moving through boyfriends a bit fast,” she snaps at him. She joins the Battle of Hogwarts despite being underage and takes on Bellatrix Lestrange.
She’s a badass, basically. Like the Pure Wand, she’s focused and determined, a force to be reckoned with. Literally nothing massages my G-spot like a Pure Wand. It’s made me cry. It’s made me come without a touch to my clit. When I dropped it on my foot, it really hurt and left a hell of a bruise.
Also, a Pure Wand goes really, really well with a Hitachi. Just sayin’.
Neville Longbottom: G-Spotter
Neville’s even harder to pin down. I had so much trouble trying to find a toy in my collection that encompassed all the facets of Neville’s character that I considered giving him up and crossing him off my list. But in the end I just can’t ignore him, the Could’ve-Been-Boy-Who-Lived.
Throughout the series, Neville undergoes a pretty drastic transformation. In the first book, he’s clumsy and timid. He breaks his wrist during his first flying lesson. He melts a cauldron during his first Potions lesson. By his own admission, he’s “almost a Squib.” All in all, not the most impressive character. In the same way, the G-Spotter isn’t really an impressive sight (especially if you’re used to something like a Pure Wand, which I am). It’s small, and even though it’s glass, it’s light. Mine is rose-colored too, which is super unimpressive.
By the final book, though, Neville is indispensable. He’s become brave and self-assured; he winds up leading the rebellion efforts at Hogwarts, stands up against the Carrows, and slashes the head off Voldemort’s final Horcrux. It’s taken a lot of time to get here, but he’s grown into himself, learned his strengths, and proven himself. Similarly, I have to give the G-Spotter time to prove itself. Unlike some of my other G-spot toys, which pack an immediate punch, the G-Spotter requires warm-up, patience, and a little coaxing before I can reap the benefits. But when I finally get into it, the pleasure and the intensity it gives me can rival even the Pure Wand.
Luna Lovegood: Elden the Faerie Dragon
I knew as soon as I decided to make this list that I would include Luna and that she would be a Bad Dragon toy. I feel like it’s an obvious choice. After all, Luna’s eccentricity is what makes her character so charming and interesting. She believes in Blibbering Humdingers and Crumple-Horned Snorkacks even though no one else does. She wears Dirigible plums and Butterbeer corks as fashion accessories. She dons a large roaring lion hat to support Gryffindor in a Quidditch game.
But Luna is also honest and helpful and terribly insightful. She points Harry toward Ravenclaw’s lost diadem. She comforts Harry after Sirius’s death. She can see Thestrals, and has been able to do so since her first day at Hogwarts.
Like Luna, all of Bad Dragon’s toys are a little kooky. Aimed at fantasy fans, they’re molded in the shape of genitals belonging to creatures like dragons, werewolves, and dinosaurs. They’re also customizable in a way that, to my knowledge, no other sex products on the market are. You can determine size, firmness of the silicone, color, whether there’s a suction cup on the base, and whether it can squirt fake come. It’s pretty amazing, actually.
I have eight Bad Dragon toys, but Elden is my favorite. It’s the small size, medium firmness, with a suction cup, and the knot just above the base feels glorious in my cunt—eerily so, considering how small it is. Thus, Luna.
Draco Malfoy: Bi-Stronic Fusion
Full disclosure: as a teenager, I spent all my time reading (and writing) Harry/Draco fanfiction. (Not gonna lie, sometimes I still do, but anyway.) It was a particularly lively time for the Harry Potter fandom back then. The series wasn’t finished; we were all full of speculation about how the books would end; every character, every plot point, every seemingly minor detail was rife with possibilities in our minds.
And that’s the thing about Malfoy: he had so much potential. He idolizes his father, who is a loyal Death Eater, and wants to enjoy the same influence and success his father does. But it turns out he doesn’t have it in him to be the man he wants to be, the man who would make his father proud. He can’t bring himself to kill Dumbledore, even though it would mean saving himself and his family from Voldemort’s disfavor. Sure, he’s a bigot parroting the ideas of his bigoted family; he’s a bully, who does and says horrible things throughout the books; but he’s not evil. He could have been redeemed.
Until the final book, in my little corner of fandom’s minds at least, there were so many possibilities for Malfoy’s redemption: so many opportunities for him to do the right thing, to turn against Voldemort, to help Harry in some way. And he didn’t live up to a single one of them.
The Bi-Stronic Fusion was like that for me. I love the Stronic Eins. I love my rabbit vibrators. So I wanted so badly to love the toy that combined those other two loves, for the Bi-Stronic Fusion to live up to its potential. But it disappointed me in a big fucking way.
It’s also ridiculously expensive, currently retailing for about $220. Considering Malfoy is not only a disappointment but a spoiled little brat, I thought it was quite fitting.
Lord Voldemort: Smart Wand
Ah, Voldemort. The antagonist of the Harry Potter series, considered the most evil wizard in recent history, and just generally a power-hungry murderous psychopath who split his soul seven times in an attempt to gain immortality. How does one even begin to identify a sex toy that accurately represents Lord Voldemort?
Not easily. I started to suspect he would have to be another character I crossed from my list for this blog post. After all, I thought, is anything in my collection actually evil? Unrepentantly, unquestionably, irrevocably evil, without a single redeeming quality or even the potential for good?
Turns out there actually is.
Here’s the thing: I love the Hitachi. I also love the Mona 2. So when Lelo—the company who made the Mona 2—released the Smart Wand—their rechargeable version of the Hitachi—I was super into it. Bring it on, I said. I (naively) ordered it before any of the reviews had come in yet. And when it arrived, and was opened and tested out, how was it?
It was something like this: No. Dear god. Just, no.
So. If I’m looking for a sex toy that will, no matter the time or the place or the circumstances, go up against the Hitachi or the Wahl—my Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore, respectively—and lose again and again and again? That would be the Smart Wand. No doubt about it.
Severus Snape: Handcuffs
I’m sticking Snape onto the end of my list because I cheated a bit with him. I went through my toy boxes twice looking for something that embodied him and came up empty each time. Is there a sex toy who is bitter and cruel, calculating and detached, and either (depending on your point of view) the ultimate obsessive Nice Guy or a complex antihero redeemed by his bravery and love? If there is such a toy, then I’m sorry to say I don’t own it.
So I was talking with my partner on our way to dinner, and I asked which of my sex toys she thought Snape would be. Her answer? “Handcuffs. Because he never lets go.”
Not quite what I had in mind, since I wanted to stick with vibrators and insertables rather than getting caught up in kink gear. But…yeah, that’s about right. Snape is handcuffs. Because he never fucking lets go.
And those are my picks! Did I skip over your favorite character? Think I got one of these completely wrong? Let me know in the comments!