I Had a Bartholin’s Cyst and All I Got Was This Hole in My Junk

A few months ago, I’d had plans. I’d bought a slew of new sex toys, and I was going to use them, blog about them, take pretty photos of them for my dead little Instagram. It was going to be exciting.

Then, as often happens when I get an idea and start making plans, my body said, Bitch, I don’t think so, and put its proverbial foot down. Often, the foot-putting-down is in the form of my fragile hormone balance going haywire or my even more fragile brain chemistry yeeting my happiness and productivity off a cliff like those two people in Midsommar.

In this case, it was one of my Bartholin’s glands pulling a Violet Beauregarde and swelling into a cyst.

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Review: The Licker

Let’s talk about texture.

My vagina doesn’t like it. Which is a tragedy, believe me, because so many indie sex toy companies are producing such amazing-looking, high-quality dildos right now and—alas—the majority of those dildos seem to be heavily textured [1].

Do I still occasionally buy textured toys out of some slim hope that a) this toy will be different or b) my vagina will spontaneously change its mind? Absolutely. And sometimes, I confess, a toy is simply too pretty and tempting for me to say no. (What can I say? I’m weak.)

This is more or less what happened with the Licker by TheCraftyHedonist.

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Review: Zumio X

The holders of the gold and silver medals of my sex toy collection are, respectively, my Original Magic Wand and my Wahl.

I’ve talked before about how long it took me to learn how to use and love the Magic Wand, but the Wahl was different. I loved it from the moment I first touched its little buzzing knob to my clit.

At the time I didn’t know enough about my body to know why I loved it so much. I know now that pinpoint precision and powerful buzzy vibrations [1] produce a sensation that I struggle to describe but can’t get enough of. Tingle and sparkle are the words that come to mind, along with the phrase lick of fire. I feel it most strongly in my clit, but it radiates down my legs and into my big toe. When I come it’s like my whole body whites out, and my vagina spasms so violently you can see it easily from the outside if you’re looking [2].

In short, and in an utter understatement: it feels very good.

(Yes, this post is about the Zumio X. Just stick with me. I’ll get there.)

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Sincerest of apologies to the Womanizer

Womanizer W500 Pro

I made a post a while back about not being a fan of the super-popular Womanizer. Before that, I also posted about my life-altering love of the Hitachi Magic Wand, even though I’d spent my first few years of Hitachi ownership being baffled why anyone would like this bulky beast of a vibrator.

See where I’m going with this?


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In Praise of Dildos

“Honestly, why would anyone fuck a human dick now when companies make monster dicks to fuck instead?”—an excerpt from my Twitter drafts
“Honestly, why would anyone fuck a human dick now when companies make monster dicks to fuck instead?”—an excerpt from my Twitter drafts

I wrote that months ago during a post-orgasm high after trying out a brand-new dildo. I bought the toy from a store on Etsy, and as you might expect from the above tweet, it falls under the “monster dick” category of sex toys and I love it so much.

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Fantasy #1

I’m trying out a new series devoted to my wide array of kinky, lurid fantasies.

Each blog post in the Fantasy series will delve into a scene straight out of my filthy, depraved mind and will sometimes include eroticized content that some may find upsetting. Watch out for content warnings, which I will use liberally.

Today’s fantasy features nipple play, manual sex, and vaginal fingering. Kink rating is low.

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Faking It

In sex work, it’s good business to gravitate toward where the money is. Or, rather, where the money flows most easily toward you.

By that I mean that when I started filming fetish videos, I filmed for a bunch of different fetishes as a way of testing out my market. When it became clear that a handful of fetishes were selling more than the others, I focused more videos featuring those fetishes.

You’d probably think, as I did, that videos would sell best when I’m genuinely interested in the subject matter—fetishes that I share, concepts I’m excited about, and so on. Right?

Nope. Quite the opposite. The fetishes I do best in not only are ones I don’t share—they’re ones I actively dislike.

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So Your Character Is a Sex Worker…

I read a lot of romance novels, particularly queer romance novels, since the publishing companies I copyedit for primarily publish those sorts of books.

I also go through phases where I read a lot of fan fic in my spare time, the highly erotic, kinda weird stuff that people usually have in mind when they say “fan fiction” with derision in their tone.

I’ve learned a lot of things from both of these activities, but one has been standing out a lot this week: people are very, very interested in sex work despite clearly not knowing anything about it.

So, to all the authors who decide to include a sex worker in their novels, let me give you a few tips based on my experiences.

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On Inclusiveness in Marketing Sex Toys

This week I got a Twitter DM from a small, newer sex toy company looking for bloggers to help them build their customer base. At first it was kind of exciting, like it was evidence I was starting to “make it” as a sex blogger, but then I checked their website.

Their products were separated into two categories: “For Him” (penis sleeves and prostate massagers) and “For Her” (dildos and wand massagers).

Oh. Oh, no.

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How to Compliment Respectfully

I end up thinking about random compliments a lot, oddly enough. In part because I’m a woman in the #MeToo era, but mostly because I’m an online sex worker. Weird, gross comments about my appearance are a normal, expected part of doing business.

Also, because I have social anxiety, compliments sometimes have a huge effect on me, whether I want them to or not. Positive, pleasant interactions with strangers give me a high I float on for hours, while especially negative, unpleasant interactions can send me down a spiral that lingers for days or even weeks.

So I find myself often pondering what makes a compliment good to receive and what makes one lackluster or outright upsetting.

Here’s what I’ve come up with.

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